I’m currently counting down the 5 worst No. 1 hits of the year. Before we get to No. 1 though, here are some which just managed to avoid ending up on the final list:
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Talk Dirty – Jason Derulo
Count this as the 6th worst No. 1 of 2014. Sexist and not-quite-but-definitely-close-to racist, this song openly basks in it’s own ignorance and expects us to do exactly the same. It’s offensive on almost every level it’s possible for a song to be. It’s saved from appearing on the list because it’s saxophone riff is actually pretty damn funky sounding (as much as I hate to admit it) and it does at least work on it’s own terms, puerile as those are. You got lucky here Derulo; you got lucky.
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Wiggle – Jason Derulo
Now this disgusting, disjointed, moronic pile of sexist crap would’ve been my worst No. 1 of the year had it actually reached No. 1 anywhere. Thank God it didn’t.
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Do They Know It’s Christmas? – Band Aid 30 / All About That Bass – Meghan Trainer
Both try to do decent things but both do so extremely problematically to the point of almost being self-defeating (particularly “All About That Bass”). I couldn’t truly justify putting them on the list though; it’s always better to try something important and fail than become successful through laziness and complacence (hence why Something I Need and I Don’t Care are on the list instead). I can respect something without liking it and that’s what I do with these songs.
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Crazy Stupid Love – Cheryl Cole feat. Tinie Tempah
Stupid is right. This song features all of Cheryl Cole’s worst qualities – the ripping off of other successful sources instead of coming up with any ideas herself*, the deeply boring lyrics about topics everyone in pop has been revisiting for decades, the bland club music which everyone else in the industry has desperately trying to move beyond for a year now – this is the whole package. It was ultimately saved from being on the list because Tinie Tempah’s section is actually quite good (at least it’s better than everything around it; the song at least does elevate when he appears) and because her other song, I Don’t Care, somehow managed to be worse. Cheryl Cole is one of the worst performers in British pop at the moment and the fact that we keep giving her success is ridiculous.
* The name of the song comes from a vaguely successful rom-com released about 3 years ago
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Right then, that’s it. Time to stop dilly-dallying. It’s time for what I consider to be the worst song of the year. The song which is worse than Ben Haenow’s utter forgetability, Magic!’s utter hateability, Cheryl’s plagiarism and Jason Derulo’s vile offensiveness. And boy do I have a lot to say about this song…
To be concluded…
TheWrittenTevs 